


this isn't about you

by fealle



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Complicated Relationships, Friendship/Love, Infidelity, M/M, Multi, Threesome - M/M/M, Undecided Relationship(s), Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-06
Updated: 2015-11-06
Packaged: 2018-04-30 07:14:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5155019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fealle/pseuds/fealle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>.... one of them is thinking about leaving while the other is vacillating between disappointment and hopefulness: surely he was mistaken. surely he's overthinking this. surely he can still trust him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. OH FRAGILE HEART, OH BRUTAL BONES.

**Author's Note:**

> this is a fic about in/fidelity, get out of here if that's not your thing. pairings involved are bokutsukki and kurotsukki. there's porn in the second chapter, the rest of it's an emotional mess.
> 
> this was written more as an exercise in writing emotional characters and i guess i did exactly what i wanted to achieve, but i wasn't expecting it to turn out this huge!! 
> 
> dedicated to my good friends, you know who you are.

> _When we are in love, we are both completely in danger and completely saved._

 

 

 

 

 

_i._

  
Patience was the word for when his mother bore his father's silence, long hours of his mother sitting in the kitchen watching the sun go by with tea in her hands as she waits for a phone call that will never come. 

 

 

  
_ii._

  
Sometime during his stint in Karasuno as a middle blocker, his brother starts coming home more and more. Considering his improving relations with his brother, his presence in the house was more welcome now as compared to before, when all he would do was just quietly acknowledge him as he locks himself up in his room. But it is curious to him, and he sometimes wonders whether his continuing stay in the house have something to do with problems at work or anything else.

 

 

Akiteru laughs off his concerns when he asks, and only replies with, "mom gets lonely when you're not around, and it's expensive to live by myself, so I figured I can just divide my time here and in my apartment with the guys every now and then so I save money." It's an honest enough reply, but he can't help the quiet feeling that someone's lying to him, maybe out of necessity or because someone thinks he won't be able to handle the truth regardless. It's a bit disconcerting, but unlike the disappointments of his childhood where Akiteru is concerned - this doesn't seem to be a matter of pride. It seemed, for the most part, that Akiteru genuinely just wanted to be with his brother and his mother more and more and Kei can't complain about that at all. And if his brother wants to save money, well, who could blame him?

 

  
He works hard in school. He works hard at volleyball. In the weeks leading up to the match against Nekoma, he started to get in the habit of texting Bokuto, who had insisted on exchanging numbers so they can talk even after the training camp. This is how he finds out about their loss against Nekoma, how crushed he felt about the defeat but happy that Nekoma will be playing them again, and how excited he was with Kei having improved so much that he's gonna arrange to get out of some commitments on the day of the match. His texts to Bokuto are short and appreciative of his support and endless nagging about how he worries over his weight and his stamina, but he re-reads them every night and finds it gratifying that someone was keeping an eye on him and it's not just Yamaguchi or his brother that he has to worry about himself anymore. 

 

  
In many ways it felt awkward, as well. As Bokuto was his senior - and from another school, none less - he felt like he'd be impinging too much if he adds anything else more personal to his texts; and perhaps Bokuto has sensed that hesitation as well, because he'd recently started adding  _you can always tell me anything, you know, not just volleyball!_  to his messages. Kei takes that as a guarantee and falls asleep, sometimes, composing mental notes and letters to his head about what he could possibly talk to Bokuto that's not volleyball. 

 

  
It distracts him enough from the constant presence of his brother until he can do that no longer, when one Sunday, Akiteru just moves back in with all of his things in haphazard boxes, looking harried and frustrated as he carries his things back into his room. Kei peers at him from his doorway.

 

  
"How long will you be with us?"

 

 

"Ah ... so eager to get me out again!"

 

  
Kei shakes his head. "No. It's just ... really weird. You've been away for far too long."

 

 

Akiteru takes a deep breath. He's not looking at him when he talks again, the lines of his shoulders really tense as he folds his arms over his chest. Quietly, he says - "Kei. Shut the door."

 

 

It's a different voice from what he's used to, and so Kei obeys. He leans against the door with his hands folded over his lap as he always does when he was worried, and he watches his brother's back with apprehension. It's a while before Akiteru speaks, and his voice catches in his throat as he says, gritting his teeth,

 

 

  
"Something's wrong with mom and dad."

 

 

 

  

  
_iii._

  
Akiteru tries to tell him,  _act like things are normal._

 

  
He prides himself on keeping up the pretense of normalcy up until the point where he realizes he can't do it. He goes back to his bedroom from that conversation hurt and frustrated, lying down on his small bed as he stares on the ceiling while he listens to everyone fall asleep. Once, or twice, Akiteru tried to talk to him, but he had feigned sleeping so he left him alone. 

 

  
He clutches his phone on his hands, types  _what do you do when you hurt so bad_  to a message to Yamaguchi then stops, realizes that he'd rather not burden him with what's happening in his family again like the way he'd let him find out how his whole entire life was crushed when Akiteru had stopped being an ace. He looks at Bokuto's number and grimaces at the idea of sending him a text, like  _what do you do when someone you loved cheated on you_  and then discarding the whole message because that doesn't seem to be the right thing to ask of him either. His mother doesn't know that he knows and he's very careful not to explode. His heart is hammering so loudly in his ribcage that he feels like a grenade. 

 

  
In the dark, he settles on finally texting Bokuto with,  _are you in love?_

 

 

 

>   
>  _BK. ................ not really I mean I have lots of crushes n stuff but I’m really focused on volleyball right now!_  
>  _do you need help with someone else?_

 

  
_Stop it_ , he tells himself. But now that he's sent it he can't take it back, and Bokuto must know that there's something wrong with him because he never texts him out of the blue like this, let alone with something so personal, and he feels embarrassed and angry at himself for having asked, so he replies with, S _orry. That was a personal question. No offense, but I'd rather not discuss this again, it was my fault for bringing it up._  Sends it. Closes his eyes.

 

  
His phone vibrates angrily all night as he gets, what he can assume, is just message after message from Bokuto. 

 

  
In the morning, he glances at his phone as he waits for his bus on the stop and reads his messages.

 

 

 

>   
>  _BK. okay_  
>  _i mean I get it, Kuroo told me you were the cool kinda guy and this must've been really hard on you_  
>  _but you know!! I meant it when I said u can talk to me about everything_  
>  _even if I don't know a lot about being in relationships and stuff_  
>  _soooooo um if you don't mind im gonna do a bit of thinking about this_  
>    
>  _BK. u texted me first which meant this is really bothering you_  
>  _u don't strike me as the kind of guy who gets into relationships easily_  
>  _my turn to apologize but tsukishima you kinda need to work on being nice with people_  
>  _but you're learning so don't take this to heart too much_  
>  _ummmmm love is kind of a general topic so this means you need a kind of talk??? advice??? more than anything else_  
>  _idt u need tips_  
>  _and u texted me late at night which means this is happening to someone u know_  
>    
>  _BK. And I guess u were banking on me being the older one to be able to help_  
>  _and I’m here to tell u I’m going to do my best_  
>  _I’m not just an ace in volleyball!!!_  
>  _i'll do what I can to help, because I do care a l_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"Tsukki, are you alright? You haven't eaten your lunch."

 

 

His bento was a bit more on the sweet side because Akiteru was the one who made it, and he appreciates the gesture but he can't help but feel like he's trying to make up for something and everything feels like ashes in his mouth. He sets his chopsticks down primly on the side of his table as he covers up his food.

 

  
"My parents are fighting."

 

  
It's the truth. Except that it's a war that's waged between his brother and his mom, and his dad is out of the picture because he's too busy with ... someone else. The details of it he doesn't really want to go into with Yamaguchi, but it's vague enough that the other boy can guess on how serious it is, and Yamaguchi winces at his response. "I’m sorry. Anything I can do to help?"

 

  
What can people do? He's had three offers already, counting his brother who's still trying to make up for things and was probably feeling the pressure of being good, not even being the best because lord knows he tried that already, but just - being  _good_ , being dependable, while his brother seethes in his silence and their mother perpetually waits for an answer from their dad that will never come, and Kei counts the hours where he will explode at the idea of not being able to find someone accountable for his mother's distress and the strained feeling he gets that comes from being emotionally exhausted between four walls. The most logical decision is to tell his mother to stop waiting, but his brother is there too and he knows how Akiteru is when he gets protective of him and his family. 

 

  
So instead, what he tells Yamaguchi is, "nothing, at the moment, it's just really stressful. But my brother's home, and he's been taking care of me. I think we'll be fine."

 

  
He speaks with the tone of a boy trying to reassure himself more than anything else. Yamaguchi says nothing, but he nods and gives his shoulder a good grip before he continues eating his lunch in relative peace within the classroom.

 

  
He attends volleyball practice. He puts in more work than ever, probably because the alternative is to get out or have to deal with the quietly simmering tempers within their house. And in the evening, he stares at Bokuto's text, having gone unanswered for at least three days now, before he replies with,

 

 

>   
>  _You're not wrong._  
>  _I'd be upset at you, but I’m more upset about other things._  
>  _Thanks for checking in on me._

 

  
Kei doesn't get much of a reply for that other than a smiley face. And maybe because he's just so tired that he starts writing again, and this time, more honestly than before,

 

 

>   
>  _I hate it when people cheat._

 

 

 

 

  
_iv._

  
His father comes home on christmas eve. 

 

  
  
He doesn't bother putting up a pretense of civility because his father knows his face more than anything else anyway, but Akiteru was on the attack and was at his throat the moment he opened his mouth to say hello - "You come home now? At a time like this?"

 

  
By the evening he's found out how Akiteru found out about his affair. ( someone calling the house mistaking him for - someone else - ) The next day he found out about how Akiteru got to know the other woman. ( A stocking in his father's office that was not his mother's. And he wanted to scream _, you took home plenty for her every other week and told her she was the most beautiful woman you've ever known_. ) By the end of the week his father had left with clenched fists. Akiteru's teeth were sharp and his eyes were cold as he closed the door. His mother, tired, frustrated, sat by the kitchen door watching her husband leave with her fingers closed nervously over the edge of her tea cup. _Merry christmas_ , Kei said to himself, and Akiteru's hands were red when he locks the door.

 

  
He texts Yamaguchi, I _think my brother was trying to restrain himself from punching my dad._

 

 _  
_  
He texts Bokuto - I _am miserable._  

 

 

He gets two different sets of texts while he gets drunk on eggnog, trying very hard to see the screen because he's trying not to pick up awful habits too. It’s a sweet drink. It's christmas. It's just.... A holiday. Just a couple of drinks, his dad used to say; it's just for socializing. He laughs quietly to himself as he takes a drink behind locked doors.

 

 

>   
>  _BK. I’m sorry to hear that_  
>  _I got some extra cash I can come over to Miyagi_  
>  _let's hang out_  
>    
>  _TK. No._  
>  _Everything in this place reminds me of him._  
>    
>  _BK. Come over._  
>  _I’m serious. I ca_
> 
>  
> 
>  

 

* * *

 

 

  
  
  
"Thanks for picking me up."

 

  
"No problem!" Bokuto slips his hands into his pockets, grinning. "It's not like I got anything to do this week beside pig out on leftovers, anyway."

 

  
"You're going to gain weight, you know. Then Akaashi will have to set you instead of the ball."

 

  
"What the - hey, that's mean!"

 

  
It's a bit chilly outside and when he laughs he feels his mouth drying in the cold, but he's happy right now, or about as happy as he could be being far away from Miyagi. Tokyo was a mess of lights and the frantic pace of people during the holidays and he sticks close to Bokuto as he shows him around his side of Tokyo: where he and his team hang out outside of the school, places he likes to go, the mall, the bands he goes to regularly with either Kuroo's gang or the rest of his gang ( "I got the entire team to listen to my favourite singer, it's so great! ) and so on. For his part, Kei listens carefully. He tries to pay for things whenever Bokuto treats him to small gifts or sweets, but Bokuto insists on paying all the time; in the end, he settles for treating Bokuto to his favourite place for dinner, and Bokuto treating him out for a game of bowling or two before dragging him out to go tobogganing in the park. 

 

  
He dusts off the snow from his coat as he and Bokuto make their way back to his place, his face red from the wind and cold.

 

  
"How long are you staying with - me?"

 

  
Kei tilts his head. "About two days, then I have to go back."

 

  
Bokuto nods. "Did you have a lot of fun today?"

 

  
"... I did," he tells him honestly. Bokuto made him feel good. He keeps thinking about his text messages, where he always stops reading after he tells him, _I care for you a lot_ , because he feels like he shouldn't be feeling so much for someone who's from another prefecture and is younger than him anyway, but - he'd be lying if it doesn't make him feel special even as he reads it in embarrassment. He can be so honest about his feelings. 

 

  
"Oh good! I asked Akaashi to come over before you go, just so we could hang out, but he left with his family this morning to go on a trip somewhere before school starts so it'll just be you and me." He takes out his phone, removes his mittens from his hand. "Though of course I can also call Kuroo - "

 

  
"- really, Bokuto - I’m fine being with you."

 

  
Bokuto smiles. "Hey. I make a mean onion soup. I'll show you when I get home."

 

  
"Do you make that from a packet, or will I have to taste your tears?"

 

  
"C'mon! I'll make you eat your words!"

 

 

* * *

 

  
  
Being with Bokuto was painfully normal. It was grotesque how his family was so warm to him, and Bokuto, sensing his hesitation and nervousness, gave him enough time to be in the house unbothered by the rest of the family as well so he can recharge after having spent so much energy being social in front of his parents. He appreciates it. He finds out from Bokuto that he's recently started learning how to cook because his marks in Home Ec were bad. His mom has been helping him and now he can make uncomplicated dishes without much help, and he likes making soups because they're usually easy to make. Today he's making onion soup with onions that he kept crying over as he sliced them, and Kei laughed at his sniffling face, delicious cheese that they bought together on their way home, and some crusty bread. They eat together out of a bowl, and it's the most delicious thing he tasted and seeing him and his parents appreciate Bokuto making something that didn't end up almost burning the house again made him - 

 

  
feel jealous.

 

  
He grips his spoon tightly as he listens to his dad laugh. 

 

  
Bokuto, without missing a beat, leans over and wraps a gentle hand around his own, and dips the spoon back into the bowl with a smile as he continues the conversation with his dad as he leaves the kitchen, calling out to his parents to have fun in their date; and once they were alone, he tells him, rather gently, "it's alright to be angry."

 

  
Kei clenches his fist over his lap. "I don't want to ruin my holidays like this."

 

  
"If you don't let yourself be honest about what you're feeling right now, you're going to ruin a lot more things than just a holiday." 

 

  
And that was how he ended up eating onion soup while crying, Bokuto feeding him while he wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, saying, "it's alright to be angry. It's alright to be upset. it's alright to be honest about how hurt you are."

 

  
"I didn't want - "

 

  
"It's my house, there's no-one else here. You're not ruining anyone's day." He sets the spoon back onto the bowl and grins up at him as he lays his head on his arms over the table. "I told you - you can tell me everything." He hesitates for a bit, before looking away as he adds, "I do care about you."

 

  
"You - god .... "

 

  
It's not his most eloquent conversation he's had. In his defense, at the end of the day, he had ended up crying on the table about how upset he is with Bokuto's hand soothing him on his back, and it's really hard to be eloquent when someone is being unfailingly kind to you. But he keeps crying, anyway, because it's the only thing he knows how to do honestly at this point, and somehow, that's okay.

 

 

 

  
_v._

 

Maybe that was the start of things. His life didn't necessarily get better after that, he still came home hurt and upset to a small room in Miyagi as soon as his holiday was over. But it allowed him to look forward to something else more than the monotony of school, volleyball, and home, all of which made up his childhood but now his childhood was strained and his need to excel, to destroy things on the court is directly proportional as to how angry he is over his dad. Akiteru never failed to show up in any of his matches even after his first year, and Bokuto kept texting him and praising him and giving tips or criticizing him where necessary. Whenever he had the time and the funds, he makes the trip to Tokyo and Bokuto shows him around. He doesn't cry anymore in his kitchen, but he gets used to Bokuto telling him he cares and showing him just how much he does. 

 

  
( Sometimes Akaashi looks at them together and he has this rather amused look in his face whenever Bokuto talks so animatedly about something he did during the weekend to Kei during one of his visits. Kei notices it once or twice and finally glances at him with a questioning look, to which Akaashi just replies, "I’m glad he's in your care."

 

  
He shakes his head. "No, no. You got it wrong. I’m the one bothering him."

 

  
Akaashi looks at him skeptically. "I don't think you are. And I don't think he views it that way. I think he craves for your presence all the time. And I think you do the same."

 

  
They were quiet for a moment, Kei's brows furrowed as he tries to parse his words while Akaashi lets the meaning sink into his bones. "You mean - "

 

  
"All I’m saying, Tsukishima, is that you don't always have to be alone." )

 

 

* * *

 

  
  
He confesses to him during Tanabata. It involved a rather messy phone call to Tsukishima late afternoon about how Bokuto got lost trying to get to his place from the station in Miyagi, and Kei trying to track down where he ended up in. They had a lot of fun with roman candles and paper wishes. Bokuto won him a giant stuffed owl, which his hands could barely hold around. They shared ice cream together. 

 

  
And because Bokuto was not the kind to do things halfway, he pulled him to a rather secluded area of the fair and tiptoed until he could kiss him properly, his lips sticky with ice cream, taking Kei by surprise and turning his face a brilliant shade of red. Bokuto looks rather proud of himself, nervous - but proud - while Kei turns away in embarrassment. "You - you just mashed your face into my face, Bokuto, what were you trying to do."

 

  
"Hey now. It's a first kiss, doesn't have to be perfect." He grins. He holds the owl in his one hand and presses Kei against the fence again while the fireworks were blooming in the night sky coloring them green and gold and red underneath the lights. He leans closer, gently telling him, "we can always practice ‘til we get it right."

 

 

  
And they did, Kei's fingers warm in between his own as he tastes the strawberry from his tongue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[tbc.]


	2. I WANTED TO BE ALL TENDERNESS ...................

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is porn in this chapter. lots of it.

_i._

  
In the months that followed Kei poured his attentions to his school and to being the volleyball club's president and devoting what little time he has after to making a long distance relationship work with Bokuto. And having nothing else from his household as a scale on how to measure, or conduct, relationships with people, let alone someone of the same sex as he was, he was filled with insecurity and apprehension every time Bokuto ended his phone calls with, "I care for you a lot", attuned to his discomfort with intimacy. That it would be made difficult because of time and distance - he already knew. There is a lot of work to be put in to maintaining his grades and maintaining his victories as a captain of Karasuno.

 

  
But nobody told him about the loneliness, or the way he would lose sleep whenever they would miss a scheduled phone call because one or both of them are too busy to let the other know otherwise. Nobody told him about how he'd rack up so many minutes talking about nothing and everything and nobody taught him that even the most mundane of conversations, things that he used to look forward to so often, can quickly become overwhelming and hateful. Sometimes Kei looks at couples and thinks, _that could be us_ , in his happier days, or sometimes he looks at couples and wonders of himself - _is that how I'm supposed to be like? Is that how Bokuto is supposed to be like?_

 

  
Bokuto would reassure him - as always - that he was fine the way he was, that being in a relationship isn't a competition the way things are for them when on court, but he can't help but wonder when he'd never had a model for how these things should go. He's careful not to let his parents know about his situation with Bokuto given that they're still struggling with his father and his affairs with - other people .... But it's jarring, to say the least, to be happy with someone and then look back at his parents and feel like he's doing something right, and to expect more of them because they would generally expect more of him, and to feel disappointed and crushed because maybe - just maybe - this whole thing with his parent's relationship with each other isn't working because somehow, one or both of them didn't put in more time, more whatever, to make things work.

 

  
Or so he thinks. He wrings his hands every time he makes a phone call to Bokuto before a match if only to seek reassurance and finds himself utterly frustrated for the rest of the day if he misses or doesn't pick up; Bokuto has to fight keeping his tone even when he gets accusatory that Kei is always concerned with working, with working too much, with not working hard enough, with being insecure about what other people think, about everything else.

 

  
Akiteru tells him, _you're both young. You're both going to make mistakes._

 

  
Perhaps that was normal, Kei tells himself, but the longer they spend together the more it felt like things weren't working out, and he doesn't know if it's his lack of intimacy that's causing it. What he hasn't told Bokuto, however, that on the off-chance that they fail being together, he would always, always pinpoint the cause back to the moment he had found out what patience meant for his mother and how potentially, that could be him, too - not the one waiting with a cup in their hand, but the one who is always away and have chosen, for one reason or another, never to return calls because doing so would admit to a kind of intimacy that was just not there at all.

 

  
( Bokuto has concerns, too, but these concerns weren't foreign to Kei as Kei's were to Bokuto. He was worried that he can't make it as a pro- in the volleyball world, he was worried that his exuberance was too much for him entirely, he was worried that Kei wasn't getting along with his friends, he was worried that he was more or less commanding him to always be happy, to put up with his moods the way his friends are used to. Kei has no complaints with them, and if anything else he's learning how to interpret and deal with his ups and downs, but finds incredibly gratifying - and utterly intimidating - that his concerns never feature him at all. Some days he wonders whether they were perfect with each other, or just so terrible with their moods and personality with nothing else but a sport to unite them that they might as well be together.

 

  
The alternatives he comes up with are even worse than what options present themselves given the most obvious issues are known to both of them. Kei folds his hands neatly over his lap and closes his eyes as he waits for a call. )

 

 

 

 

 

  
_ii._

  
The day that he got into his third choice for university was the day he and Bokuto had their first fight, one of their bigger fights as opposed to the pettier ones that they can be endlessly cruel about, given that Kei's predilection to rile people up tend to come out in the worst of times. Bokuto was no pushover either; he can be considerate, but people have limits, and he's finding out exactly what he's willing to put up with and what he doesn't care about in a relationship with him. Kei had everything mapped in his mind as to what works and what doesn't; the problem is that neither one of them are lining up their demands properly, and in the end Kei demands more space.

 

So Bokuto, seething, gives it to him. And because Kei is equally angry, he finds that he is not as happy being left alone as he would like to be, and on his trip to his university he grits his teeth as the loud, garish music during frosh week reminds him of Bokuto. Everything about the school reminds him of Bokuto. Including -

 

"Yo, Tsukishima. Haven't seen you in a while."

 

\- Kuroo Tetsurou.

 

He gives him a curt nod as he joins him in a walk around the campus. Kuroo had been here for a couple of terms, and the reason why it's taking a while for him to finish his degree is because it's a specialized degree in economics - at a time when the professors in his department are waging war against each other because of theory. It's all very dramatic and serious as the tenured profs get the funding for the students they like and leave their seasonal profs in the dust, and Kuroo is frustrated because that meant he was being bounced from one advisor to another .... In the middle of being a vice-captain for their university volleyball team. The way he described it, Kei was absolutely sure he would be staying in university forever, and when he said so, Kuroo just laughed.

 

"What's your faculty?"

 

"Com sci."

 

"Oh, I know where that is - you know who your profs are yet? You know where your rooms and labs are?" He glances at Kei's schedule, frown appearing on his face as he looks over the names and numbers of each of his classes.

 

"Not yet. I just figured out the codes for the classes yesterday, but I'm not sure what the codes for the profs are."

 

"Oh, that's easy. This here - " he taps on one box of his schedule, "Means a lab with prof. ---. This here doesn't necessarily mean you have to go to this class every other day, but they're gonna print it like that on your schedule because the university is dumb. You're a first year, so you get sorted into three groups because this first year class is mandatory and always has a huge turnaround rate ...."

 

Kuroo was nice enough to take him to his classes. In terms of appearances, he hasn't changed much, but walking with him - self-assured, calm, and with his easy grin - it felt like he was being with his brother again, the way he looked up to him when he used to be everything to him as a kid. He tries not to be too impressed with Kuroo being nice. He always has been. But he's been starving for attention for a while ever since his fight with Bokuto that he's thankful for how accommodating Kuroo has been with him, even if he doesn't necessarily view it the same way as he does. As far as Kei is concerned, Kuroo is showing him around because it's the nice thing to do.

 

They're walking in the courtyard with Kei asking questions about where the best places to eat around the university are, when Kuroo brings up the topic of volleyball: "You should probably know, I'm signing you up for tryouts starting next week."

 

Kei laughs. "What, I can't even refuse?"

 

"Nah. I'm taking no prisoners, and your boyfriend's university is a pain in the ass. Having you on our team will increase our defense."

 

He's kind enough not to mention how frustrating it would be for Bokuto - this time, anyway - to have him on the opposite team given the two of them are barely talking to each other, and Kei was about to breathe a sigh of relief when Kuroo asked, "I heard you guys had a fight."

 

"... Yes."

 

"Mind telling me what it's about?"

 

He shrugs, leans against a wall as he contemplates ways to exit this conversation, finds that the ways out of it are surprisingly very few. He respects Kuroo for being a good mentor back in his high school days and even now, it would be in poor form to repay him with a lie when he's been nothing but helpful. So all he says is, "it's the usual. Me being too busy and not talking properly. Even he has limits."

 

"... Well, you're not talking to him even more ..."

 

"I'm sick of being asked to provide things I clearly can't give."

 

Things like: the kind of patience being with Bokuto demands, the kind of insight one needs to be with Kei. Both of them are struggling on reading each other and it's making their interactions - especially with the distance and time added in - more difficult than usual. Kei holds his hands together over his lap as he thinks about their fight, thinks about how he had snarled at Bokuto and Bokuto had laughed it off, calling him out on his arrogance, his words hurtful, merciless, true. He always knew how to strike.

 

Kuroo looks at him and murmurs, "You just have to be patient with him - "

 

"I have been. Don't tell me I haven't." He looks away. "If this is all we have to talk about, then forgive me if I walk away."

 

Kuroo sighs. He bites his lower lip, not looking at him. This is why people leave me, Kei thinks, and grits his teeth at the feeling of outrage bubbling at the depths of his mind like tar.

 

"Far be it for me to try and fix things between you - "

 

"Please don't."

 

"Alright. Alright." He raises his hands up in mock surrender. "You're lucky you're cute."

 

He raises an eyebrow. Kuroo grins. "Let me show you where the cool kids hang out after school, Tsukki."

 

 

 

 

 

  
iii.

  
His definition of 'cool kids' primarily consist of members from the volleyball team ( to whom he introduces Kei as "That kid I mentored and ended up wiping my ass on the court, I'm so proud of him," and he had said it soberly that Kei turned red ) and a few people from his other classes. They number about ten all in all and they take up a huge space in the back of a pub near the university who sees them regularly. They have meetings every friday. He finds himself a bit overwhelmed again in the presence of rather outgoing people, but he gravitates to Kai and Yaku fairly well. They were in the same faculty together and were in the volleyball team with Kuroo, and they were excited to have him around.

 

Late in the evening he's exchanged phone numbers with a couple of people already, feeling like he's accomplished more or less what his brother had always wanted for him - connecting to others - and the gathering has alleviated his worries and frustration from his fight with Bokuto that he's feeling indulgent enough to play cards with them while drunk. He gets an invitation from Kuroo to move to the dorms closer to them so he can hang out with them more, and later on, there's a call to play drunk bowling in the building next door. He thinks he might've drunk way too much, but he can't remember laughing as hard as he had with everyone else.

 

He leans against Kuroo as they make the trip next door and he reaches out for his hand -

 

\- only to flinch when Kuroo reaches back.

 

He nearly trips down the flight of stairs as he feels dizzy. Kuroo looks back at him, but he doesn't say anything - how could he, anyway? - while Kei just stood firmly where he was, rooted on the steps as he rubs his fingers with his other hand, as if to erase the gesture. "sorry - I shouldn't have - "

 

"It's my fault."

 

I wanted it, was what Kei had wanted to say, but he doesn't say it for fear of making it too real and it was then that he realized he was going to text Bokuto about being in the university, and he'd forgotten his phone somewhere, maybe, one of the guys has his coat because he lost a round in poker, god he was falling apart in his first week.

 

Kuroo rubs the back of his head in worry, making his hair messier. Both of them were drunker than they had a right to be, and Kei was feeling - too lonely -

 

( _patience_ , he tells himself, _patience patience patience_ \- )

 

He hesitates.

 

"You wouldn't mind?"

 

Kuroo looks away.

 

"Would you hate me if I said no?"

 

He feels like drowning. He feels like somewhere his father should be laughing at his cold haughtiness when, slowly, drunkenly, and very much regretful, he reaches for his hand, and lets Kuroo hold him as he leads him out of the pub and into the cold night.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He doesn't end up playing bowling given he could barely even stand, but Kuroo was there when he felt like swaying and he stayed with him all night. Someone found out that the bowling alley was cool with them buying extra cans of beer, so he and his team stayed there, bowling for shit and celebrating like maniacs whenever they manage to hit just one. Kei had come to that kind of drunk where being in his presence was reassuring enough. Someone returned his coat and phone and he asked Kuroo to take it because he could barely even put it on himself; Kuroo wraps the coat around his waist and pockets his phone.

 

When it buzzes, Kuroo looks at him briefly as Kei turns pale and shakes his head, just once, and Kuroo nods curtly as he wraps the sleeves around his waist.

 

They end up finishing a six-pack before they call it a night; in Kuroo's case, 1 am is really too early, but they're drunk already to even notice the time. Kuroo himself has puked in the washrooms after a bout, and Kai had teased him for being too old to drink, to which Kuroo just laughed and Kei just rubbed his back as he held his hair back for him while he emptied his stomach in a stall. It's one hell of a night to remember, but what really got to him was Kuroo grinning at him after he's washed his face and then holding his hand on his way out like it's the most normal thing in the world. He could barely feel his fingers, but he's fairly sure that he's holding on to him like a lifeline.

 

Kei's dorms were farther than Kuroo's, so he ends up walking him there, and on their way to his dorms Kei tells him, "I'm supposed to call Bokuto."

 

"Maybe you should wait til you're not drunk."

 

"I'm over a week late. He's gonna think badly of me."

 

"Yeah, but Tsukki - I don't even think you're coherent enough to tell him shit - "

 

"I feel terrible," he confesses to him. "I want to just curl up in a bed and hibernate til this term is over."

 

"C'mon. You guys just started. Long-distance is hard, Tsukki, you know this."

 

"Don't call me that - "

 

"You never used to mind as much - "

 

"I do now."

 

"Alright."

 

He doesn't let go of his hand. Kei bites his lower lip as he asks, "was that him?"

 

"I didn't check."

 

"It must've been."

 

"It could've been your brother."

 

"My brother knows better than to call me this late. It must've been him. He must've been worried. I've done nothing but ignore him and get drunk."

 

Kuroo doesn't say anything.

 

He leans his head against his back. Closes his eyes. Kuroo lets out a sharp sigh. Quietly, he murmurs, "Tsukki - "

 

"I said - "

 

"Kei."

 

He clutches the shirt on his back as he presses his face against his spine, feeling the ridge of his muscles with his mouth. "Why did you call me that ..."

 

"I've always wanted to call you that."

 

He doesn't think he can breathe. Kei clutches his shirt, rumples it in his clenched fist, and Kuroo lets him, because he can.

 

Neither one of them say anything after a while, not willing to be the instigator of the fall. Kei removes his hold on him after a moment, and then tells him, "I'll show up for volleyball."

 

"Good. I'll text you the schedule."

 

"I have to go to my room."

 

"You gonna be okay?"

 

"Yes." He thinks. He fumbles for his keys multiple times in his pocket until Kuroo reaches in and draws them out for him, and holds out his keys onto his shaking palm, closing his fingers over them with his hand.

 

"Let me know if you need anything else."

 

He walks away. Kei feels like he'd been in the middle of a storm looking out from the cyclone, and he remains rooted in the spot with his fingers rubbing his hands clean until he flees the scene like he'd been caught in the act of something utterly shameful. Which, from the way he'd acted, wouldn't have been too far from the truth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
iv.

  
There's still weeks to go before school or tryouts actually start and Kei realizes that he seems to end up in Kuroo's company more than he'd like. Not that Kuroo's been anything but unpleasant, but what with the lingering effects of his argument with Bokuto and the seeming inertia that he's come to feel from their relationship - being with Kuroo seems a bit more exciting than at least having to sit down and properly hash out the problems with Bokuto. It's a testament to his guilt that he's read Bokuto's occasional texts, still mindful of his need for space, but hasn't replied to any of them, even though Bokuto, as far as he can tell, has been careful not to get too dejected over text. Even he has his limits, and he's not one to pull off a confrontation over text anyway, whereas Kei would've welcomed - something. Anything to be able to set the idea of distance.

 

He's not sure what he wants anymore.

 

  
He gets a couple of chores done that morning, and was in the middle of putting away his groceries when he gets a call from Kuroo. "A couple of the guys are gonna hang out in our favourite deli before heading off to watch a football game in the afternoon - you wanna join?"

 

"... I didn't know you like football now."

 

"I don't, are you kidding me? It's boring as hell. But this is the girl's football team and a couple of the guys' girlfriends are playing, so we end up watching a few games here and there."

 

He'd like to go. The alternative is being stuck in his rather spartan room and cleaning the kitchen and dusting off shelves until everything is passably clean and then he can go back to deliberatin as to whether or not he should text Bokuto already when he has nothing of import to tell him beyond the fact that he's settled into his dorm and that he likes how warm Kuroo can be occasionally, but only when he's drunk and only when he's feeling lonely and he's not entirely sure whether Kuroo likes him beyond keeping a certain fondness for a young crow he took once under his wing. He'd like to go, but other than his personal hangups about the whole thing, drinking is actually pretty damn expensive, so is eating out, and he can hardly ask him to spot him all the time, he's not Akiteru ....

 

Kuroo interrupts his thoughts with, "Hey - I just - wanted to ask you since you're pretty new to the place. If I was ever too forward - "

 

"No, no, I was just - thinking about how I'm too broke to attend a game." He sighs as he leans against the countertop watching a spider make a trek across his greyish walls. "It has nothing to do with you doing ... What you think you're doing. I appreciate you getting me into your circle of friends."

 

Relief fills Kuroo's voice after, and he can practically hear his grin through the phone that he can't help but grin too. "Well, you don't have to worry about eating out so much. I'll pay for your tickets this time. We're gonna head to Takao's place after - "

 

"Who?"

 

"One of my classmates, you met him the night before - "

 

"I was way too drunk."

 

"Right, well. You can meet him again. His dad runs a restaurant, their family's a lifesaver."

 

"That sounds alright. How much are the tickets?"

 

"Hah, well, I can just forward the costs to Bokuto too."

 

".... Don't do that."

 

"I'm kidding. I doubt I'd be able to get much out of him anyway, probably just enough to buy a soda or something. Look, it's my treat, alright? Don't worry about it. I want to take care of you."

 

How could he just end a conversation like that. Kei bites his lower lip in annoyance, and then adds, "I'll let him know you're taking care of me."

 

"You will?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Oh good. Then maybe he can stop texting me about whether or not you're doing well." A pause as Kei struggles to breathe, clenching his fist at this bit of news. "You guys are still talking, right?"

 

"... Somewhat."

 

It's Kuroo's turn to be quiet, and when he does speak, his voice is stern. "Tsukishima - "

 

"We're going to fix it."

 

"Okay."

 

"You won't have to deal with him bothering you about me anymore."

 

"I don't mind that. I just don't like my friends fighting. What's wrong, anyway?"

 

 _I'm tired of being with someone_ , he wants to yell. _I feel like being with him is the same as mashing two puzzle pieces together with jagged edges into a frame. I feel like I'm incapable of handling his moods and that he barely tolerates my sarcasm. I feel like we need a very long break from each other and I feel like we're going nowhere._

 

These are not acceptable responses and he's not one to be honest to himself, so all he says is, "We had an argument. We're working things out."

 

"By not talking?"

 

"Am I being interrogated? Before a party?" He laughs sharply. "Most people would want their friends to be in a good mood before asking them out."

 

".... Alright. I'm sorry." Kuroo lets out a frustrated sigh. "If you say you're fixing it, then - of course you guys are working on it. I'll pick you up later."

 

"That's fine." He hangs up and throws his phone on the couch as he gets back to putting his groceries away.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

  
He wasn't expecting the stadium to be so full of people. They went out in a group of ten or so, including a few girls from other clubs, and it's all very interesting to introduce himself again to everyone - this time while he's not on his way to get drunk - but the most infuriating thing was how the amount of people in the stadium forces him to bump into Kuroo all the time, who was insistent on feeding him ( "Bokuto would kill me if you starved" ) and keeping an eye on his liquor now that he knows he can't handle a lot. He appreciates it, he really does, but it reminds him of a time when he and Bokuto used to do this together and he held his hand as they zoomed through the crowds looking for the best hotdog stand to eat from.

 

Kuroo's presence was quiet and assuring in ways that's similar to Bokuto, but isn't. The only time he hesitates with him was when his hands brushed against his own while they were in line waiting to go outside for a bit before the match starts for a cig break, Kuroo's hand in his own as he keeps him close. The noise and heat of the crowd was too overwhelming for him, and he breathes a sigh of relief the moment they make it out of the stadium and onto the grounds. Kuroo lights up and smokes for a while and he moves his hand from holding him to pulling him close over his neck, casual as you please.

 

He lets himself be drawn to him as more people went into the game.

 

"Is it always like this?"

 

"Nah. But we're playing against a pretty famous university, and their players are a bit famous on some sites, so they always draw crowds like these." He blows a smoke, smiles. "Reminds you of high school, huh."

 

"Somewhat."

 

This, too - the way Kuroo was draped on him consciously in quiet moments where he was only allowed to do it without anyone else seeing it, because he knew that Kei was awkward with regards to most forms of physical affection. He forgave Bokuto for how he expressed himself but he appreciated this even more, and he wonders, very briefly, if he was drawing comparisons for the sake of making himself feel better that he was agreeing to this because - he felt that very briefly, he was in the right.

 

Kuroo glances at him. "You wanna try?"

 

"... Sure."

 

"Alright."

 

He takes out a stick from his pack and then puts it to his mouth, his fingers light over his lips. "Hold it."

 

He obeys.

 

Kuroo's fingers seem to linger almost a second too long over his lips as he watches him take the filter for him, and then he lights up his lighter, holding the flame near the end. "Suck the flame."

 

It seems that it's a lot easier to focus on Kuroo than on his discomfort over the crowd when they're together like this, and minutes later, once he gets the hang of it, he ends up smoking with Kuroo in the parking lot, sitting on the edge of the sidewalk while the speaker booms that they'll be starting the game soon. Kei glances up at him. "You shouldn't smoke too much."

 

"I don't smoke often."

 

"Only when you're stressed?"

 

Kuroo just smiles.

 

Kei flicks the ashes to the side as he lets the smoke billow around him. "Bokuto won't like it."

 

"No, I think he'll get mad at me for letting you try."

 

"He will."

 

"... Are you going to tell him, then?"

 

"Tell him what?"

 

"Tell him - ahaha. _Oh_. Alright." He crouches down to sit beside him on the edge of the pavement, arm around his neck. "You're cool, Tsukki."

 

"Am I?"

 

"Sure. I thought you were mostly a pain in the ass back in high school, but you've changed so much since then - "

 

"- I'm still a pain in the ass - "

 

"Let me finish." He grinds the cigarette down to the filter and slips the butt into his pocket; no use throwing it out on the side and making a mess. "There were plenty of things to dislike about you, don't get me wrong. You were bratty as hell. But you changed. Somewhere along the way you became more receptive to listening to other people and became more competitive about keeping your position in court, and I found that impressive. You're a smart player, you pay attention to other people, you pay attention to Bokuto. I like all of those things about you."

 

If you actually knew me, you wouldn't like me as much, Kei thinks.

 

"What if you're wrong?"

 

"About?"

 

"Me."

 

"What about it?"

 

"... Well. What if I'm no as cool - or as good - as you think I am?"

 

Kuroo just shrugs.

 

"No-one is so completely unlikable that - "

 

"No but - what if - "

 

He doesn't add anything to that, but he does turn away. It's getting chilly. The cigarette and his arm around him is the only thing that's keeping him warm and he desperately wants to be anywhere else but here. I should've just stayed home, Kei thinks glumly. Staring at the wall is better than this.

 

Kuroo leans his head against the side of his head. He can feel his lips on the edge of his shoulder as he whispers, smiling, "Then at least one of us is getting what they want."

 

 

 

* * *

  
  


 

 

Sometime that evening, his arm slips around his waist instead of his shoulder as they watch the game. Kei was buzzed, and Kuroo had told him to stop after his third. Kuroo's still drinking, but he's joining the rest of the group in cheer whenever their school scores. Someone yells an I love you to their girlfriend, and Kei has a brief memory of a game he's played years ago when someone had done the same for him.

 

It's stupid that a game is making him feel emotional, but that's what he's feeling right now, though maybe that's with the added effect of the alcohol and the way his mouth felt dry after smoking and he wonders what makes Kuroo feel stressed that he has to smoke once in a while. Kuroo's hand around his waist is so reassuring. He feels his thumb move in circles over his shirt when he feels Kei tense up whenever the crowd roars during a goal, and it's the small things that make him look at him and quietly move closer to his side until he was almost close enough to be pulled close for a - whisper to the ear about who the players were, who the coaches were, how long the girls have been in the championships, their names, when the next match will be. Kuroo's mouth was warm against the shell of his ear. It's the only comforting thing in this otherwise chaotic stadium.

 

Around the fourth quarter, it began to rain; first as a drizzle, then a hard pour that left people yelling and screaming as their university won. The noise was deafening. Kei pulled his jacket closer to him because he was cold, but then decided to remove it and use it as an umbrella of sorts instead, pulling it over Kuroo's head as well, and he was close enough - so close - that he can hear him breathe, even in this noise, and Kei thinks to himself, _I'm in trouble_. He can only hope that he's not alone.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He makes it back late to his dorm after the party and they're back in the same situation again although this time Kuroo's sobered up enough to walk with him after the bus ride. Kei is - holding his hand as he makes his way to his room, and then he hesitates before asking Kuroo - "Do you want - coffee, or water, or something? Or to just stay over? It's late."

 

"... Water's fine." Kuroo is all smiles, even when his head is splitting and he vaguely feels like emptying his stomach onto Kei's foot, which he's joked about doing but the drunk feeling has already passed and now he is left with nothing but regret. Kei's dorm was spotless. He's never seen his dorm with the guys this clean, and he collapses on the couch carefully as he closes his eyes. "If you don't mind me staying ...."

 

"I don't." Kei glances at the clock as he sets the glass of water for him on the table. "I don't think there are buses anymore at this time."

 

"Mm."

 

He drinks the entire glass and then goes back to - collapsing on the couch, but this time, he motions for Kei to come over beside him. "You're too far and I don't feel like speaking up to make you listen."

 

"... Okay."

 

He sits beside him, leaning against Kuroo's hips while Kuroo closes his eyes and tries to doze off. Kei sets his arm around his chest, fingers splayed over his shoulder blade as he feels him breathe in and out.

 

Kuroo smiles, slowly, and takes his hand. He watches Kei for his reaction - his hold loose in case he pulls away. But Kei doesn't. He turns away from him, but he's clasping his hand, and Kuroo kisses the tips of his fingers, one by one.

 

"It's ... really too bad," he murmurs.

 

"... I thought you wanted things to work out."

 

"I thought that's what you wanted, too." He sighs into his hand. "But Bokuto tells me you haven't talked to him in a while and he doesn't know what to think at this point. Do you really want to lea - "

 

"No." He tells him, his voice shaky as he feels his throat constrict at his name. He withdraws his hand, both of them clenching into fists over his lap. "No," he repeats again, this time more forceful and sure.

 

Kuroo doesn't believe him, and he doesn't blame him. "I better leave," Kuroo says.

 

"Right now? It's late. It's raining."

 

"Yeah. I know. I'll take a cab. If I stay any longer, I'm gonna say something and we're going to regret it."

 

"... Say what?"

 

" _Tsukki._ "

 

"Say what?"

 

He shakes his head. Runs his hand through his hair. He doesn't know how long it's been for Kuroo. But for the first time he's feeling a bit wanted again, like the burden of inertia was lifted from where things had stalled back when he was with Bokuto, and he was looking at Kuroo with something accusatory and fiercely hopeful. Kuroo looks away at his gaze. It was terrifying.

 

It was also, quite frankly, very hot, and in his rather inebriated and frustrated state, not helpful. It brings to mind a lot of his frustrations back in training camp when he was so close to him every time they trained, they practiced, and yet he had kept a respectful distance away from him. And now, even without the limitations of a high school camp, he feels that there's an insurmountable wall between them still despite the fact that he was just right there, and it's taking all of his energy to just put up a rather tired face when all he wanted was to finally come clean and be honest about all his gestures, what he desires, what he'd like to see and feel and touch of him. He murmurs his name as he dials for a cab - "Kei, kei .... don't worry about it, I'm going."

 

Kei moves towards him and pulls his arm. He feels like a child - he would never do this to Akiteru - and like hell he would do this to his dad - but he has to be patient - " _Please._ "

 

Kuroo looks at him.

 

Kei, always too proud to beg, looks like he would rather spit at his face than say the word, and Kuroo finds that he likes that about him most of all. He moves closer towards him and tilts his face for a kiss, gentle as you please, and Kei's hands move to crumple his shirt in his fists as he kisses him desperately, fiercely, and Kuroo smiles against his mouth. This was not the kind of victory he wanted, but all the same - all the same -

 

He moves his mouth to the side of his neck and bites. Sucks on his bruise, letting Kei's moans fill the dorm as he turns the patch of skin into an angry red under his mouth. He can feel his dick hardening with Kei moving against him, and he feels like he's going to drown.

 

Kei pushes him against the wall and Kuroo pushes his pants down, lets him kiss Kei again and again while he strokes his dick. "Just like high school, then," Kei murmurs against him as he bites on his lower lip gently, sucking it in his mouth before kissing him again, and Kuroo licks his lips and meets his tongue and replies with, "This is way better than high school, trust me."

 

Kuroo comes down his fist around his dick, down his pants, cum trickling down his thighs and onto his red nekoma sweatpants and he still hasn't stopped kissing him. He removes his sweatpants from around his ankles after and then Kei just tells him to toss it in his laundry. "I'll loan you a pair."

 

"Do you even have anything that will fit me?"

 

"Some of Bokuto's clothes are in my clothes. It might be a bit short on you, but nobody's going to pay attention at three in the morning ...."

 

He fits awkwardly into a pair of pyjamas that were once Bokuto's, and then Kuroo calls a cab for himself, too lazy to make the trip back to his dorm on foot. Kei insisted on paying half, but he decided against it.

 

He puts on his shoes, and then when the cab lets him know that he's downstairs waiting, he leans to kiss him again, before he leaves.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It's absolutely pathetic how he decided to wear his sweatpants after that, but - as Kei reasoned to himself by the time he hit the bed at around four in the morning, tired and miserable and full of energy he otherwise couldn't get rid of anymore - _nobody's going to pay attention at three in the morning._ He wraps his thighs tightly around a hand as he pulls the blankets over, feeling the wetness where he'd drip his cum on his sweatpants. _Especially not me._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_v._

>   
>  _KT. I'm sorry I haven't texted. I've been busy._  
>  _Kuroo showed me around. I'm starting tryouts next Tuesday. My schedule's gonna be - ----._  
>  _My classes are like this ---. I think, starting today, if it's alright with you, we can talk during --- and ---._
> 
> _How are you?_
> 
> _BK. Fine now that youve texted_  
>  _i thought u forgot about me!!! ;-;_
> 
> _KT. No. I haven't._
> 
> _BK. Im kidding!!!_  
>  _but that's nice of Kuroo tell him I said thanks_
> 
> _KT. I'm grateful to his assistance._  
>  _He said you should come over - not just during tournaments - so we can all hang out._
> 
> _BK. Hahaha you sound_  
>  _entirely too serious about your thanks_  
>  _but sure I'll figure out a time and date to be with you again_  
>  _we haven't had a date in a while_  
>  _that'd be a nice way to start things again hey_
> 
> _KT. Yes. I'd be glad to go out with you again ...._
> 
> _BK. Aww yea. You miss me lots_
> 
> _KT. Yes._
> 
> _BK. Just you wait, we can be cute together and Kuroo will be so grossed out_  
>  _watching_  
>  _us_
> 
> _KT. Knowing Kuroo, he'd probably ask to join in._

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

  
Training with people who've been playing volleyball at a professional level was exciting, and at the same time, rather intimidating. Kuroo had rattled off to him about each player in their team, including the captain who'd played at ASEAN at the previous year, and he felt utterly out of depth with the people he's introducing to him.

 

Kuroo leans forward and whispers, "Don't be scared. Just go out there and play."

 

Kei brushes his fingers against his own and Kuroo offers him a smile, and just like that - he puts on his ankle braces and decides to play.

 

Keeping up with their pace was grueling. He spends a lot of time adjusting to the rhythm of his team, a medley of defensive and offensive players who were used to playing at a higher level than he was used to. He spends a lot of time with the setter who wants to get the rhythm of his attacks right; he spends time being corrected on his form by the captain and practicing his aims when he serves. He was with a group of hopefuls who'd like to get in the team, and he wanted to prove to this team that he was worth the second look, if not their attention entirely. He played competently against three on threes, and with Kuroo's help, managed to get the pace of their wing spiker before getting a kill at the end of their third set.

 

He's finding volleyball fun and challenging again. He gets praise for his blocking skills, for the fact that he managed to wipe Nekoma with Karasuno, much to the embarrassment of Kuroo. He enjoys the attention they give him, the chance offered to be the best at what he does. It's a good feeling, he hasn't forgotten it, and he revels in his victories even if they were few and far between, especially for someone who was only hopeful to get to the team in the first place.

 

He was about to change in the locker room late that evening when he hears two people very enthusiastically fucking in a stall, and Kei sighs.

 

Kuroo just goes past him with a grin as he washes his hands, and then gestures for them to move out to the lockers area before whispering - "it's normal with these two."

 

"It's kind of gross."

 

"Personally, I think it's hot because you gotta force yourself to behave or other people will catch you." He grins. "Unless you don't care about that sort of thing."

 

Kei flushes red as he replies, "Bokuto probably won't."

 

"Now you're talking." Kuroo pokes him, teasingly. "He used to tell me how often you guys did it when you visit him."

 

"Why ...."

 

"Because."

 

Of course. He shakes his head. "Do you care?"

 

"About what?"

 

"People knowing. People finding out you're fucking someone in a stall."

 

"... Not really." Kuroo shrugs. "I'd sleep with anyone if they're down with it."

 

"You're not planning on settling with - someone?"

 

Kuroo's eyes are on him, sharp as they were inscrutable from this distance. "With whom?"

 

"Anyone," he lies.

 

Kuroo was quiet for a moment, the silence between them punctuated by moans and the lewd slapping of flesh against flesh. His response to him was equally vague - "'Anyone' is a pretty big criteria of people, isn't it."

 

"... True."

 

He couldn't change his clothes anymore, not with Kuroo just there and with two other people fucking enthusiastically in a stall. But Kuroo's not planning to move. He just turns away from him and changes, and Kei gets a view of his back and just the amount of work that he's put to training his body to be fit. He had never been comfortable being naked, and part of the problem with Bokuto was the difficulty in reconciling how much his touches make him feel so utterly present in his body that he hated being in contact with him even after sex despite enjoying the orgasm it presents. But admiring someone, he reasons, is alright, because everyone admires someone always. Isn't that how desire works?

 

Kuroo looks at him. "Aren't you gonna change?"

 

He takes off his shirt, keenly aware of the rather intense moaning that's happening in the stall and the way Kuroo's eyes bore into his body, the way he stared at his chest the moment he discards his shirt to the side to reach for his cleaner one. He watches him as he folds his shirt and puts it into his laundry bag, and he watches him as he puts on a clean shirt, Kuroo's hands fumbling at the hem of his own shirt as he keeps an eye on Kei taking off his jersey next to replace it with his jogging pants.

 

It smells like sex in the room. And yet -

 

he lets the fabric of his shorts drop to his ankles, and Kuroo gets a full view of his thighs before he covers them up with his pants, drawing the string around his perpetually small waist.

 

Kuroo puts on his shirt once he's done. Someone finally orgasms in that stall. He licks his lips as he pulls down his shorts and changes to his pants, and Kei clutches his bag with his hands as he turns red, not wanting to leave but desperately trying to urge his feet to move and go and ... Being so unwilling not to be in his field of vision, humiliated, given whom he's supposed to be with, and yet -

 

Kuroo clears his throat. "Let's go."

 

"... Sure."

 

It'd be suspicious if he runs away, so - back entirely too stiff, he walks towards the exit as the other one finishes in the stall. Kuroo glances back, grinning, shaking his head as he opens the door for him.

 

"I love these guys."

 

"You have questionable friends."

 

His grin turns wider at that.

 

"Well, at least I'm not alone."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

That evening, he calls Bokuto.

 

"Tell me to fuck me," he demands on the phone. "How many fingers up my ass."

 

"Fuck, Tsukki - "

 

"I miss you. Just - "

 

"Okay. Oh man I was supposed to be studying, I have a midterm tomorrow but nevermind. Okay. What are you wearing."

 

"My jersey. It's nice and smooth over my thighs. Like how you like them."

 

"Ffffuuuuuck. And Kuroo gets to see you like that? I'm so jealous already."

 

He gets to see me change, he thinks miserably. He gets to see me naked and he gets to hold my hand and you're so far away and I hate everything. "Don't make me think of Kuroo while doing this, please."

 

"Right. Uh, how slick are your fingers."

 

"Very."

 

"Alright. Can you go for two .... "

 

"Yes. It's a bit tight - "

 

"Oh my god - "

 

"It's been so long."

 

"It's three in the morning, I don't care - do you need me there? Right now? Just say the word. I'll put the tickets on visa, I don't give a shit."

 

"Bokuto you're supposed to be helping me jerk off, this is making me panic."

 

"Why should it make you panic?"

 

"Because that's a lot of money - "

 

"I don't care - "

 

"You're going to be in more debt - "

 

"I don't care - "

 

"This is too far from your house."

 

"I don't care. I'll wear Kuroo's shirts while I'm staying there, whatever. What's your address. How do I get there."

 

That's even worse, Kei wants to yell, but instead replies, in exasperation - "I have two fingers stuck in my ass and you want me to talk about my address."

 

"Think of it as neglect play. _What's your address_. You're not allowed to cum unless you tell me how to get there by train."

 

"Oh my god - "

 

"And I'll change it to 'not until I get there' if you don't answer me now."

 

" _Okay_. Okay."

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
_vi._

  
Bokuto arrives late in the morning, and Kei, tired but immensely grateful for his presence, welcomes him. He texts Kuroo about the situation and Kuroo tells him that Bokuto had already texted him about borrowing his clothes. He doesn't mind, because, he says,

 

> _KT. It's one way of getting close to you_

 

Kei bites his knuckles as he thinks of Kuroo's gaze back in the locker room and he digs his hands into Bokuto's back. "Harder," he gasps.

 

"Damn - it's a good thing you don't have a roommate - "

 

"I'm gonna have one but not right now - fuck me - "

 

Bokuto tilts his head and bites at his neck, sucking on the bruise while he thrusts in and out, his hands gripping his thighs painfully, just the way he likes it while his head dangles over the edge of his bed. He's got his mouth open, moaning sharply as Bokuto fucks him raw.

 

He pulls him down with a kiss, wrapping his thighs around his waist and Bokuto moans in his mouth until Kei whispers, "Your hands to the headboard. Let me ride you."

 

"God - of course - "

 

and Bokuto lays down, Kei fumbling as he reaches to the side for something he can use as restraint for his hands, which ended up being his scarf. He wraps Bokuto's hands through the metal headboard, grabs another scarf to wrap around his face, and -

 

\- Kuroo walks in, with his shirts, just as when Kei slides down his dick and he starts bouncing up and down his lap and Bokuto moans, swears, moans his name again and again.

 

"Uh," Kuroo says as he watches them. He exits quietly, but his eyes catch Kei's and the two of them look at each other for a while until Kei switches to ride him in reverse, the underside of his thighs rubbing against his in reverse. Bokuto throws his head back in pleasure and moans, "fuck, Kei - " and Kei looks at Kuroo, bites his lower lip, and starts moving his hips back and forth in a slow rhythm, his fingers digging in to Bokuto's muscular thighs while he keeps eye contact with Kuroo from the doorway.

 

Kuroo bites his knuckles. He sets the shirts aside, and then he - settles a little to the side of his door, still within his field of vision as he grips his crotch painfully while watching Kei jerk off over Bokuto, who was ignorant of being watched. Kuroo strokes himself languidly as he watches Kei move slowly over his lap, settling into a slow pace that had Bokuto begging, until he slowly increases the speed which had him moaning again, his thighs snapping up to fuck Kei and Kei licking his lips and stroking himself, in plain view of Kuroo, who was dying from the floor watching two of them, gorgeously covered in sweat and cum, fuck each other late in the evening, Kuroo jerking himself hard and fast with a fist in his mouth trying not to make a sound.

 

Kei comes not too long after that, spilling his semen all over his fist, and he licks his fingers clean. Kuroo steps carefully over, and -

 

Kei opens his mouth -

 

Bokuto comes, and Kuroo - spills his entire load onto his face, over his tongue, over his pretty mouth, and Kei licks him clean, moaning.

 

Kuroo's not even sure how he managed to slip out of his apartment after a while, but as soon as he hit the ground floor after running a while, he felt like he should probably just collapse in a heap on the floor somewhere and wait until someone sweeps his bones and his boner to the side so that no-one will ever find any evidence of his pleasure ever again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_vii._

  
It was only when he was in his bedroom when he realized that he'd left his pants in Tsukishima's room when panic begins to set in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_viii._

  
Kuroo gets a phone call from Bokuto not even two hours before he'd dozed off in his bed.

 

"You wanna come over and explain what your pants are doing in my boyfriend's room?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
[tbc.]


	3. BUT MY HANDS ARE FAR TOO ROUGH.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for sticking with this fic til the end.

 

 

 

_i._

  
The scene: kitchen, at seven in the morning. Kuroo is sitting down and holding his mug with shaking fingers, Bokuto is leaning forward on the table, his hands gripping the sides, the wood embedding itself into his palms. The dorms are quiet. Kei is sleeping in the bedroom, exhausted from the night before. Bokuto and Kuroo are also exhausted, but one of them is thinking about leaving while the other is vacillating between disappointment and hopefulness: surely he was mistaken. Surely he's overthinking this. Surely he can still trust him.

 

"I left here a while ago. We got drunk with a couple of friends; it was raining; I changed clothes. He loaned me your stuff. It's nothing serious - "

 

"I didn't think it was," Bokuto interrupts him tersely. He stands up, folds his arms over his chest. Kuroo was taller than Bokuto by a few inches, but there's something about him that's larger than life and diffused with a kind of energy so bright it can easily engulf you. That's probably what made Kei attracted to him in the first place, and acknowledging that thought is making him feel all kinds of choked up. He's defeated this guy on the court a hundred times, and the two of them have competed in everything else but have remained friends despite everything, but there's always that kind of spark in him that Kuroo can't hold and that's what's making him feel utterly jealous right now.

 

That's just exactly what he's full of right now: jealousy. He recognizes it in the way his fingers burn against the ceramic mug where his coffee runs cold in between their silences, the way Bokuto's eyes soften at his confession when he doesn't realize what he's done. It's not in him to lie, but he'd rather keep the peace instead of fighting him head on, even if that means persistently wading his way through this mess.

 

He thinks that this must also be what being with him is like. Kei had never been one for confrontations, but when push comes to shove, he'd face them head on, stubbornly butt heads against Bokuto the way he's seen him do it before, and Bokuto would always think it impressive because it means he's considering him as an equal; one to fight with, one to fall in love with, and there's a gap between that acknowledgement and where Kuroo is that he feels is just out of his reach.

 

"Then what did you think it was?" Kuroo drinks his coffee, looks at him over the rim of the mug.

 

Bokuto sighs. He gives him a tired smile. "I just - look, it's weird fucking him while wearing your sweatpants, alright. But I might just be getting worked up. I haven't talked to him in weeks. I - "

 

He turns away. Grits his teeth. "I'm a bit jealous of you."

 

Kuroo looks at him in surprise. ".... what."

 

"You're with him all the time. Your personalities are a bit similar. I'm not - like that, and I'm still learning about him even now. Maybe I confessed too early, maybe I should've spent more time learning about him instead of just asking him straight up when I felt like - there could be something. We could be something." he laughs ruefully. "Maybe I've made a mistake."

 

His mind is awash with a torrent of embarrassment and guilt, and he sets his mug aside. "Bokuto. He likes you. He worries about you. I admit, I probably didn't help since I dragged him with my gang everywhere, but he's talking to people and he's doing his best to survive here. He's scared of the university, he finds it difficult that he's far away from you. I'm not - I'm not trying to take him - from you."

 

That was a lie.

 

 _That was a lie_ , and yet -

 

Bokuto looks at him, purses his lips. Rubs the back of his neck a bit as he considers Kuroo's words, and then replies with, "I guess that was ... uncalled for, to just randomly ask you about this and stuff. I didn't mean to accuse."

 

"No. It's nothing. Don't worry about it. You guys just had your first big fight, it's normal to feel insecure about a lot of things."

 

"Yeah." Bokuto takes a deep breath; exhales. Kuroo feels himself dying. He feels like folding himself into a small bird dying in the winter of cold. This shouldn't be a competition, and yet he was in a position to make a move and take something that he'd been wanting for so long. The price of this was to lie to him and tell Bokuto that he was lying, and yet - did he not consider the kiss a victory? Did he not consider his defiance attractive? Can't this be called romance if this is what passes as romance for them? He'd done nothing that Bokuto wouldn't do for Kei himself, this infidelity is as boring and commonplace as they come and he's well aware that both of them have passed what's ethical for people in love, but he's not about to give up on him when he's gotten this far.

 

Bokuto's insecurities are no joke, but Kuroo's not buying it. He's one of the strongest guys he knows, and the strongest of men always knew how to rid themselves of their despair and turn it into a weapon. He's not the type of guy to wallow in his misery. Bokuto will forget, and when he does, he will look at him in the same way Kei had looked at him when he asked, tell me what - that look of power, stubbornness, and something raw that can blind him. He knows. He's known the guy for far too long.

 

"Thanks for taking care of him," Bokuto tells him. He's trying to be cheerful again, and Kuroo can appreciate the gesture. To change the topic, he asks: "is he sleeping still?"

 

"Yeah. He never had the stamina." Bokuto laughs, grateful to talk about something else. "But I don't mind. I haven't been with him in so long."

 

He remembers how they both looked that night, Bokuto tied up against the headboard and his body arched as he thrusts into Kei's ass, and Kei riding him fast and hard while he moaned, opening his mouth to gather drops of his cum from his cock -

 

Kuroo smiles.

 

"Glad you're around. I was starting to get worried about you guys."

 

"Well I was worried for a bit too." He yawns. "But we're gonna be fine. Anyway, sorry to keep you from your rest. You wanna go home now, I won't stop you."

 

"I think I'll do that. No offense, but it's too damn early."

 

"None taken."

 

He stands up. Finishes his coffee, puts it in the sink and washes it for him. Bokuto watches him in silence, his face impassive, and Kuroo finds it ... disconcerting. He doesn't know where Bokuto picks that intensity, his moods are about as mutable as the storm. He can handle Bokuto's exuberance, but his silences are another matter: they can mean everything from disappointment to wrath, and at the moment he's hoping that he falls somewhere in the middle of this metronome where he's able to keep in time on his good side.

 

Bokuto walks him out to the door, watches him put his shoes in that same intense silence, and gives him a small grin when he waves as he opens the door.

 

"See you."

 

"See you. And, Kuroo?"

 

He looks back.

 

Bokuto's no longer smiling as he holds the door with a hand.

 

"I'm keeping an eye on you. You know, as a friend."

 

And then he closes the door on his pale face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
_ii._

  
Bokuto slips back into the bed with Kei later on, wrapping his hands around his waist and kissing his shoulder. He shifts in his hold, shivering, and Bokuto smiles against his skin and pulls the blanket over them.

 

"Where did you go?" Kei asks, sleepily. He thinks that it's too early for him to be awake still, and he's not even bothering to open his eyes as he turns towards Bokuto and buries his face near his neck as Kei lets him pull him closer.

 

"Bathroom."

 

"You took forever. It was cold ..."

 

"Yeah, I know. Had to phone home too, I kinda just left in a hurry and forgot to tell my parents where I went."

 

"Oh ... don't do that."

 

"Mmm, they were worried a bit."

 

Kei dozes off.

 

Bokuto touches the bruises, marks on his skin from the night before. He thinks about Kei wearing his sweatpants and thinks how hot it was when he revealed his thighs to him as he pulled his sweatpants off of him daintily, thinks about how his thighs, his neck, his hips, are peppered with kisses from his mouth. His fingers trace bite marks slowly healing over the curve of his ass, and his hand curls around him possessively. He doesn't know what game Kuroo's playing, but if this is how things are going to be played, then he hopes that Kuroo is prepared to be disappointed.

 

He listens to Kei as he sleeps, his chest rising and falling gently against his own. In terms of the way he processes things, Bokuto likes to think that he's not too complicated. He's always been quite direct with what he wants and how he'd like to get it. In the time that Kei had been away, he can only imagine that he was working hard at not being lonely and connecting to others and hopefully not making the same mistakes that landed him in a crying fit in his kitchen a long time ago when they barely knew each other, except for a stint in a training camp a long time ago, but - what Bokuto knows is that he likes him a lot and he wants him to be happy. He's got a few insecurities of his own, and a lot of it stems from the fact that he's the more emotional one of the two of them, and Kei doesn't really handle that kind of display well. His friends are used to it, but Kei gets to be with him all the time, and Bokuto thinks that at some point in their relationship it must've felt so utterly monotonous and predictable that these habits, these moods, these petty little disagreements that they have, the distance involved in their relationship, the loneliness, their families crowding around them - it must've made things so difficult for someone like Kei who wanted reassurance and was so wanting in affection, but only in small doses, whereas Bokuto - Bokuto would give everything, if he asked. If he will accept.

 

Distance for him was the hardest to deal with. He was very physical in his affections, in public or private. He was very vocal in his wants and needs. Kei was a cipher, and the only time he was honest was when he was forced to a corner where his pride was threatened. Bokuto had no intentions of pushing him there, but once in a while he has to be provoked to come out clean about what he wants, because above all things Kei had no idea how to ask for the things he needs for himself without having to couch it around sarcasm or deliberately haughty demands. Perhaps it's because he's been hurt and disappointed by people around him that the only way he knows how to be affectionate is to demand for affection or to distance himself from its existence entirely. Bokuto can't really say he understands it, but what he understands of him is this: he is wanted, if only because he was more than dependable and honest, and Kei had come to value those traits in him.

 

He takes Kei wearing Kuroo's sweatpants as a mistake - but not one that was naively made. He thinks that there's something there, and to be honest, he's not entirely sure it's Kei's fault. But all the same - Kei called him. Kei called him, while Kuroo had said that he was there because circumstances made it convenient for him to end up in this room. It was not the same sentiment as being called, and that, in itself, already means to Bokuto that he had won. It's true that he's jealous of Kuroo for so many things, but the one thing that he's sure of - and he will always be sure of - is that where Kei is concerned, given his tendency to be private about so many things, whom he calls at his time of need matters the most. He may have reached out to him; Bokuto doesn't know. But he was the one who was called. He's not sure if Kuroo was willing to play this game with him - in fact he's not even sure if Kuroo thinks that he's still playing a game - but as far as Bokuto knows, the only thing that Kuroo will get from him is his own infectious magnanimity over love.

 

Bokuto kisses his forehead, his lips as he slept in his arms.

 

He thinks about the things that Kei dislikes about himself - his tendency to provoke, his self-effacing need to doubt his abilities, his tendency to draw a line with what he can achieve and can't, and contrasts that with the things he loves about him: his patience, his coolness, his practicality; all the things that he knows that isn't in him, and Bokuto feels more than hopeful. He holds him in his arms the way one would cordon off a museum, a crime scene, and in his arms he thinks, _all of this is loveable and more than enough._

 

 

 

 

 

 

_iii._

  
Kuroo lay staring at his bed for hours after the encounter with Bokuto, his cigarette burning between his fingers as he thinks to himself, again and again, what his words meant before he closed the door on his face.

 

Was he angry at him? It was possible. Bokuto wasn't stupid, he must've known, and yet all he had said was that he was watching him. Was that a threat? He can't handle a fight against Bokuto, for many reasons other than he was physically a lot better than he was, though he's hoping things wouldn't have to escalate to a fight at all. He doesn't doubt that he feels protective of Tsukki - he would too, if he were his - but all the same, stopping at _I'm watching you_ seems like a feint than a palpable strike to the face.

 

He grinds the filter into his ash tray on the side. Sits up and rubs his face.

 

How do you forgive yourself for not becoming all the things that you've always wanted to become?

 

He thinks about all the times back in the training camp when Tsukki would thank him, quietly, for his help with Hinata and him, but he always thought there was something more beneath that quiet voice, which holds so much promise in it that he was moved by being recognized as a mentor with his polite gratitude, even if it were nothing more than a gesture thrown away in the interests of being nice to your seniors. As far as Kuroo was concerned he thought he'd breached a wall then and there, had followed through something private and had found something worthy of being acknowledged. And with the way Kei had held his hand, had let him hold him close, he thought that he had come close to touching something that he thought almost impossible the moment he had said goodbye to him as he boarded a bus to Sendai.

 

Or was it all in his head? Maybe to Kei it had been nothing but a series of gestures that had been repeated for him endlessly, and with infinite tenderness, the way Bokuto looked at you intensely and made you feel like you were the only thing in this earth worthy of being touched. He doesn't know what that look is like, he's never been exposed to Bokuto that way, but with the way Kei worries about him all the time then perhaps he's seen a lot more of him than Kuroo is privy to and he can't help but feel jealous of that, to think that he had somehow found a way to breach his defenses and allowed him to feel, as honestly as Kei would allow, what it would be like to be the half of someone else, to fit beside someone despite their petty disagreements and disjointed personalities mashed together. Kenma used to tell him that he was stubborn, that he blew through his relationships with the kind of focus that drew the other person in his desires without giving them a chance to slither away, the way cats sink their claws into their food. But one can't leave on affection alone for sustenance and Kuroo finds himself oddly frustrated with the way things turned out. He was always the captain, the reliable friend, the cool mentor, so why not something else - for someone else - why not something more than just these epithets he'd collected for himself along the way?

 

He glances at his phone. Opens a text message to Kei, gets as far as _hey, Tsukki, do you wanna hang out?_ before discarding the message entirely. Opens a text message to him again with the question, _hey, I just wanted to know where we stand, as far as I know I've always liked you but I want to know -_ and deletes it again. He lies down on his bed, his blankets smelling like his pal malls as he turns fitfully, thinking about things that should've happened but didn't - three years in high school is such a short time to build relationships along the way but somehow Bokuto made it work out; so what was wrong with him, what was he missing? He writes another text message, _I want you to know that I am very much in -_ and deletes it again. He closes his eyes. He thinks about Kei opening his mouth for his dick as he came, thinks about the way he moaned when he bounced up and down his dick as he sucked his cock, thinks about how Bokuto must've peppered his thighs with kisses and covered his neck in bites, thinks about how his hand would curve around his waist in the morning and he must kiss his shoulders every time he wakes up, and he feels a dead weight around his chest at these things; how he could be doing that too, god, what was wrong with him. He writes _I have been thinking about you for the past couple of -_ and deletes it, writes _I miss you a lot -_ and deletes it, writes _it hurts so much to think of you but god it's better than not feeling anything at all_ and he throws his phone to the side, frustrated, spent, tired. He falls asleep hours later clenching his blankets in his fist because it was better than punching a wall.

 

 

 

 

  
iv.

Kei texts him that Bokuto left later on. He didn't receive a message about this, the only thing he got from Bokuto when he woke up was a message saying

 

> _BK. Take care of him for me, and take care of yourself too._  
>  _you're just as important!!_

 

and he's not entirely sure what to make of that either. If he's trying to kill him with kindness, then he's succeeding by the letter.

 

He texts Kei,

 

> _KT. Can I come over for lunch?_
> 
> _TK. If you don't mind eating salad, sure._
> 
> _KT. I can bring something._

 

which is how he ends up bringing a still-warm tupperware full of onigiri for him in his apartment, and it occurs to Kuroo, belatedly as he washes his hands on the sink, that he has always been calling on Kei.

 

"Did you guys - fix things?"

 

Kei nods slowly. "Yes. We talked a bit, before he left. I apologized, he waved it off and said it didn't matter anymore, and that we'll be fine ..."

 

The way his voice trailed off seemed like he was hesitating to say something, and Kuroo glances at him while he was in the middle of serving himself some salad. "Tsukki ....?"

 

Kei's hand slowly clenches into a fist over his table. Bokuto had left him with a grin and a kiss, his hands warm around his waist the way he remembered them, always, and he thinks about how holding Kuroo's hand was just the same but it wasn't enough, and he loves them both, he truly does, but he will always come back to the moment when he cried in front of Bokuto in his kitchen and he told him he had a right to be upset, he had a right to feel. He thinks he's absolutely horrible. He thinks that he doesn't deserve this kindness, and yet - if it was freely given to him, then doesn't that mean that somehow, despite everything else, there's something about him that's worth staying for, that's worth smiling for, and wasn't that enough? Isn't that the only thing that a person should need?

 

He thinks about how happy he was with Kuroo during the game, during that night when he held his hand in the cold night after the pub, thinks about how his mouth was so warm against him when he kissed him, all of these things that he couldn't do back when he was just a high schooler and now here he was, fooling around like the way he encouraged him to, fooling around the way his father used to do and he used to despise him for so much, and despite everything else, someone found a reason to forgive him and he doesn't know what to do with it. He feels his face flush red at the memory, embarrassed at how much he relied on Kuroo to keep everything sane for him and how much he desperately wanted of Kuroo - and still does - and he tells him, "I thought of leaving him."

 

Kuroo was quiet.

 

"I thought of - thinking of - what he would say, if I left," Kei said, almost laughing, miserable at the way the words were pouring out of his mouth.

 

Kuroo turns away. "So. What would you say to him, if you wanted to leave?"

 

Looking at him was painful, but he has to be honest now, he's so tired, so Kei tells him, in hushed tones, "I'd tell him, _I'm going, I'm sick of you._ I'm sick of _me_. I'm sick of _us_."

 

Kuroo shakes his head. "That's pathetic. He'll tell you, that's no reason to leave. He'll tell you it's normal to feel frustrated when things have been difficult, you busy, him so far away ... he'll tell you that if that was meant to provoke him, you're gonna have to try harder. And - " worst of all, and Kuroo grits his teeth because he knows Bokuto so well: "- he'll tell you that he still likes you, and if you want to leave, you'll have to make it worth the anger and the pain."

 

Kei wanted to cry.

 

He sets his glasses aside and tilts his head backwards, thinking about what Kuroo had just said, and he chokes on his words, his voice wavering as he said, "that was ... a lot more painful than how I imagined it to be."

 

"How did you imagine it would go?"

 

"... I thought he would accuse me of cheating, first."

 

He smiles wanly at him. "No, that would be leveled to me, I think."

 

"And what would you say? If he asks?"

 

"I'll tell him I am. I'll tell him I didn't force you, and that this was a long time in coming. I'll tell him I'm not willing to lose. I'll tell him that I love you."

 

He buries his face in his hands.

 

Kuroo pushes his plate away from him, having lost his appetite, leaning his head against his hand as he props it against the table. He can't look at how Kei's shoulders seem to be shaking. He reaches for his hand with his other hand, slipping his fingers in between his own as he murmurs, "and then he'll laugh at me, and tell me that we wanted the same things after all."

 

He lets him cry on the table, great heaving sobs as he murmurs Bokuto's name, and Kuroo wondered how the hell did he even come to think that he was playing a game with someone who was so sure of his victory that the only thing he gets in return for a confession are his tears.

 

Kei dries his eyes later on with the back of his hand.

 

They eat together in silence. He compliments him on the food, and Kei does the same. They wash the dishes together. Kuroo dries his hands after and puts lotion on them, and then comments on Kei to make sure he eats more, to sleep better. Kei nods quietly. And then, because he wants to do nothing else and everything hurts so badly, he holds him in his arms and presses kisses over his neck where Bokuto had left his marks in the morning, repeating the gesture for him because nothing that he does will ever make a mark on him again the way Bokuto had done so early on in his younger years. It must be so amazing to be the kind of person that inspires someone to dedicate their lives to a thing that defined a hero for him in his childhood. It must be so amazing to be loved. It must be so amazing to be the kind of person whose name is the only one you'll murmur in your misery, and though Kuroo feels jealous - and his jealousy hasn't abated at all with Kei's tears - he feels a special kind of fondness and love for the people he's surrounded himself with, no matter how much it hurts in the end.

 

He tilts his chin up for a gentle kiss.

 

"He loves you a lot," Kuroo murmurs.

 

"Yes," Kei whispers as he kisses him again.

 

_Take care of yourself too._

 

Humans in love are terrible, Kuroo thinks as he holds him in his hands. They come at each other like ravenous wolves. They see something growing in between the two of them with thorns and a delicate perfume that burns in the air with vetiver and something ozonic as it melds with the skin. It flares in their very eyes and bones until they were ground into dust, and the difference in between the two of them dictates where affection will fall.

 

He kisses him with a kind of desperation he hadn't learned to kiss with, until now, while Bokuto's kindness lingers in his mind, gently, seeping into the cracks of his rickety heart like honey, or tar; and the only thing he could do, in the face of such devotion, was to brush his affection onto Kei as gentle as a smudge on his cheek, and Kei trembles at his touch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
_v._

  
On his way home, as he watches the scenery flit past the window of the train, Bokuto wonders, if sometimes, all the people who were waiting for someone else to call were secretly happy in their wait.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
[end.]

**Author's Note:**

> follow me @ [fealle](http://fealle.tumblr.com/) so i can break ur heart over krtsks and bktsks.


End file.
